The stresses and demands of raising children can bring any mom or dad to a boil. Anger is a completely normal and necessary human emotion that we all feel from time to time, even with those we love.
Children will push our hot buttons. That’s a given. But how we choose to react is not.
“You can’t control your child, but you can control your own actions,” says Bethany Larsen, who manages staff training at Childhaven. “Instead of lashing out in anger, you can take a deep breath, pause or walk away if you need to.”
Parent educator Nell Robinson asks parents to describe what their anger looks like to their child. “They come to realize they’re doing the same thing every time and that it isn’t working,” she says. “Then we can work together on what they’re willing to change.”
Even parents who were victims of abuse and neglect themselves can change how they respond to anger, helping themselves and their families. When we effectively cope with our strongest emotions, we show our children how to do the same, Nell says.
Self awareness is key to addressing anger at its root, she adds. “Maybe it isn’t anger at all, but sadness, disappointment or frustration.”
Here are some anger-management strategies from Childhaven’s parent educators:
- Do what you need to do to cool down: Count to 10, take a deep breath or simply walk away from the fight.
- Try some self talk. Narrate your feelings and coping strategies out loud to your child: “I need to calm myself down so I can help you calm down.”
- Play with your child. When we’re feeling stressed, it’s easy to fall into reaction mode, interacting with our children only when they’re misbehaving. Counter that by creating and looking for opportunities to positively interact.
- Enter your child’s world. Once you understand the needs and emotions behind your child’s behavior, you’re less likely to take it personally.
- Avoid situations that you know will result in power struggles. If your child has a tough time in the grocery store, shop alone or take him along only when he’s fed and well rested.
- Apologize to your child and forgive yourself. If you lose it (and we all do), tell your child you’re sorry. You’ll feel better and you’ll show your child that you take responsibility for your own behavior. Forgive yourself, too. Guilt has a way of turning into more anger.
- Fill your cup. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. There’s a reason why, in an airplane, parents are instructed to put on their own oxygen masks first.
- Ask for help. No one raises a child alone. We occasionally need to call on our support systems: family, friends, place of faith, community and service organizations. Knowing when to ask for help is a strength, not a weakness.